How to Become an Invisible Woman in Lagos

(By Sisi Lucia) - Do you want to become an invisible woman? I have found the perfect vanishing cream, immediately you slather in on your body, fiam, you just vanish.

So I live in an estate, every morning or evening I pass by the only gate in the estate. Depending on my mood, I either smile and greet, or just wave at security men at the gate. On Fridays or during any celebration say Christmas or Easter, they razzle me for ‘something for the boys’ and also depending on my mood, I give them ‘something’ or not. So you would think they know me, yes?

Well, they know me until they see me with a man and that’s it, the vanishing cream. Men are the vanishing cream. The presence of a man makes women invisible. The other day I took a cab home, they greeted the cab driver and totally ignored me. I wasn’t even expecting the greeting because I knew the presence of the cab driver has already made me evaporate. The cab driver had to ask me “did you just move here? Abi na new security?” I just smiled. It was not the first time. If my male friends are visiting, they do it and it is not as if the greeting adds any naira to my account, so shrug, right?

It happens all the time. Anywhere you go with men, including church. If you are going to enter with a man, ushers will see only one person. It doesn’t matter what you are wearing, even if it is a glittering gold dress. The men and women at the gates, chefs, waiters, ushers, friends of your friend, they are going to ignore you until you start wondering if you are really human or a ghost walking with men, because even your male friends will not notice how much every other person has made you invisible.

I went for drinks with some men some weeks back. I was in front, so naturally the waiter had to do a 360, and started taking orders from the back. I was so surprised when he finally saw me, after all, I am such a tiny woman.

There are so many examples of this magical invisibility that happens to women. I mentioned it to my friends at work and the reply was ‘na today?’  You just get used to it. And sometimes I prefer being invisible than being the object of unknown wrath. My friend had a birthday dinner at a nice hotel in VI last month. Before leaving my house I mentally prepared for it, for all the men that would call me ashewo that day. I estimated I will get at least 2, I got 3. Just because we wore nice dresses and went to celebrate a birthday. Even the celebrant was not spared.

Last week, I went to see my friend at the hospital. I totally understand about not allowing strangers in, so I explained to the gate man why I was there and who I wanted to see. It was the look on his face, how he looked me up and down, like I dragged a dead decomposing rat to his gate. It was not a look I am new to, so I ignored him but immediately the man I wanted to see came out, his face lit up. I was annoyed. I complained to my friend but what did I get back? “he is only doing his job now” I wanted to explain about how the man looked at me, the tone of his voice when I told him three times who I wanted to see, but I was tired, too tired.

Oh, what is the point of the post again? How to become an invisible woman. So there, ladies go hang out with some men and watch yourself become a very beautiful ghost. It is fun!

N: B: Have you registered for/collected your PVC?