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| Segun Adeniyi |
Heralded in by drummers, it was clear to all those who
were already seated, important dignitaries in their own rights, that the new
entrant was a class above them. That was because for the first time, the master
of the house, the great Death himself, stood up to receive a visitor whom he
allowed to sit on the throne beside his.
Apparently worried that he might have lost his preeminent
place in the Kingdom of Death, Terrorism stood up to speak: “Your Majesty, High
Chief Prophet Death, Grand Commander of the Earth and all things beneath, I
salute you. As all my colleagues here are quite aware, since 2009 when I scaled
up my operation in Nigeria, nobody has given you as much blood as I have done
yet I have never received the kind of attention you gave this JJC. In recent
days, I have brought in the blood of several Nigerians: From the twin-bomb
attack in Kaduna to my operations in Kano and Adamawa, now I serve you blood
minute by minute. While I am not aware of the area of expertise of this agent
who just came in, one thing I am sure of: In the territory called Nigeria,
nobody has served your interest as diligently as I have done in the last couple
of weeks...”
“Point of Information my Lord, Your Excellency”, someone
interjected. It was Strike. With Death nodding his spectre, Strike knew
he had the permission to speak. “My advice is to Terrorism. He should please
stick to what he knows. Yes, he has killed many Nigerians in recent days; I
concede that to him. I even understand that he is now gradually turning one
section of the country against another such that at the end of the day the
people themselves would begin to do his job for him on a massive scale. That is
very clever. But if he is talking about the amount of blood made available to
Your Majesty in the last two weeks, I deserve commendation. Now that I have
medical doctors working in public hospitals on my side, I supply more blood to
this kingdom. Terrorism may kill with guns, knives, cudgels etc but the fact
that he helps editors to sell their newspapers doesn’t mean he has done more
harm in Nigeria than me. Unlike him, I do my work quietly and I do not inflict
needless pains; I simply allow Nigerians to die on the hospital beds and they
do so in droves without their people paying much attention. My formula in
Nigeria today is simple: From the hospital ward to the mortuary--a seamless
journey!”
At this point Disease stood up and having been allowed to
speak he said: “I think I am the most injured person here Your Majesty, because
the nonentity you now honour so lavishly is my new creation called Ebola Virus.
Yes, I designed him to kill fast but he has not even killed a single Nigerian
before he is being celebrated here...”
The revelation that the agent being celebrated had not
even brought in the blood of a Nigerian led to commotion in the Kingdom of
Death. Cancer, malaria, HIV/Aids, armed robber, ritual, kidnapper, assassin et
al stood up in protest. At this point, Death knew he had to restore a measure
of order so he commanded them to sit down and keep quiet. They complied
immediately but there was still unease.
Turning to where Disease sat with all his principalities,
Death paused and pointed to Strike, “Join them because I want to address all of
you together. Yes, you are all diligent in what you do in Nigeria and I can
attest to the fact that you bring much blood every day. But ask yourselves,
what has been the response to you by Nigerians? Do you command enough attention
to cause tremor from Lagos to Abuja?” Turning to cancer, he asked: “With all
the people you have killed, has it compelled Nigerians to build specialist
hospitals and diagnostic centres to fight you back? Even you malaria, since you
have been killing their children, was it not one busybody computer man from
America who has more money than he can possibly spend in a thousand lifetimes
that is fighting you back? Is that a sign that Nigerians take you very
seriously? And you Strike that has been running your mouth, did you hear the
sarcastic remark from the Nigerian government? They said the doctors hiding
behind you are wasting their time: they will not print money because of them!
That means the lives you take are the expendable ones...”
At this point Terrorism interjected, “But I understand
that this new agent also works for Disease. And if you say Disease is wrong,
how many people has this agent killed?”
Waving his spectre, Death smiled and said: “But I never
said Disease was wrong; his figure is quite accurate, Ebola has taken just one
life in Nigeria.”
“One life?” many in the hall exclaimed in unison and
Terrorism, who could not contain his anger said: “So all that he did was to
take the life of one miserable Nigerian and you gave him this attention! By the
way, who is this Nigerian whose life he took? A Governor, Minister or has he penetrated
Aso Rock?”
Terrorism waited for an answer and Death smiled again
before responding: “The victim of his operation is not even a Nigerian but a
Liberian. He just took him on Nigerian soil”. Knowing he had already caused
enough commotion and to avert a crisis, Death decided to cut to the chase. “Gentlemen,
this guy that you see here is called Ebola Virus; he is not only deadly but
more importantly very swift in his action, unlike some of you that spend years
when I send you on errands”, pointing in the direction of cancer, HIV and
others. “Ebola delivers my message with immediate effect and you know in a
society like Nigeria where carelessness is the order of the day that is
special.”
“But you said he has not taken any Nigeria life”,
Terrorism interjected again.
“Yes”, Death responded, “But he has already created the
kind of attention and drama that you no longer create. Did you hear the latest?
They are going to seek some foreign loan to procure the ammunition to fight
you! They will debate that in their National Assembly after which they will
seek the loans. By the time they bring in their Tokunbo ammunitions which
cannot be as sophisticated as the ones you have, you would have ...” he paused
and invited Terrorism to come over. He whispered in his ears and Terrorism
roared with laughter. He took a bow and said “Your Majesty, you are too much.”
Now turning to the full audience while Terrorism was still
laughing hysterically, Death snapped his fingers and a big projector was turned
on: “That is the victim of our friend here, the unfortunate Liberian. You can
see the kind of attention he got from Alausa to Aso Rock. Did you see the
elaborate preparation to dispose of the body after I took his blood? Is that
not funny, especially in a country where I take life just like this?” (Snapping
his fingers), “However, Nigerians may be a funny lot but there is also a method
to their madness. They know that with Ebola right now, there is no place to
hide. Its initial symptoms can resemble those of other illnesses, especially
Malaria, but by the time they know what it is, the damage would have been done.”
Turning to Strike, “I am sure you are aware Ebola here has claimed the lives of
some doctors in the process of treating the victims. So be honest, could that
be the reason why your Nigerian friends are hiding under you to down their
stethoscopes at this particular period; are they running away from Ebola?”
There was roaring laughter in the Kingdom of Death. He
continued: “Ebola here walks in a stealth manner. An odd kiss, a harmless
handshake, an innocuous peck and before they know it, his victims have me to
contend with. And the Nigerian big men know too well that with Ebola, they
cannot run to America or Germany or United Kingdom with their Private Jets
because once the authorities there hear the name of Ebola, they would not let
them land.”
“What about India?” Cancer interjected.
“You know the real big people in Nigeria hardly go to
India for their medicals and in any case, those who patronise Indian hospitals
would not even be allowed to take off at Murtala Mohammed Airport. If they try,
Ebola will simply finish the job before they complete their immigration formalities.”
Now that he has the attention of his audience, Death
continued: “How many of you ever read James Hadley Chase?” With a few hands up,
he further asked “do you know the character called Poke Tohola? Well, go and
read the Chase novel, ‘Want to Stay Alive?’ where he said something memorable.
According to him, ‘fear is the key that unlocks the wallet and handbags of the
rich...’ In Nigeria today, the fear of Ebola is the beginning of wisdom; that
is why they are running from pillar to post...”
As that joke elicited another round of laughter, an aide
walked in to announce that it was time for Death to take blood. Death stood up
and as all the people prostrated in obeisance, he pointed his spectre in the
direction of Terrorism who stood up and moved behind Death as they walked into
the inner chamber. Ebola also stood up and wanted to follow but two guards
prevented him. Shocked, he asked: “Don’t you know who I am?”
It was now the turn of Terrorism to laugh again
hysterically, before he said: “You are new here so you don’t know the rule.
That was just your initiation but you believed all that drama, thinking you are
really important. Since you are a JJC from Liberia, let me give you a brief
about Nigeria. Yes, you can kill many of their people in the villages and in
some remote areas of their major cities where I have also operated but after a
few weeks, Nigerians will move on. They always do as nothing catches their
attention for long. In any case, there will be other drama for them to follow
and they will ignore you, no matter the number of lives you take. You will
become just another story...”
“What if I kill a big man, a very big man; a political
leader or top government official?” Ebola asked.
“That will never happen. You cannot kill a big man, not in
Nigeria”, said Terrorism.
“But I can”, Ebola insisted and he was shocked to hear a
roaring laughter from the hall as some guards came to lead him out. Shortly
before the door was closed on him, Death delivered the final message: “Ebola,
you are still naive about Nigeria. You can kill as many of the poor people as
you like because in that country, the citizens have left the solutions to
practically all their problems (including those self-inflicted) to God, the One
you and I know help only those who help themselves. But you can never kill a
real Nigerian big man because even if you do, such feat would never be
attributed to you. Such a person would be deemed to have either been poisoned
by his political opponent or another story would be invented...”
“They would say he was hit by spiritual arrow sent by his
enemies”, Ritual interjected to draw applause from the crowd.
Looking straight at Ebola, this time in a menacing
manner, Death continued: “You see, nobody will ever credit you with killing a
Nigerian big man so you need to wise up. Now, let me share a secret with you. I
operate all over the world and to be honest, I probably kill less people in
Nigeria than I do in several other countries but what I like about Nigeria is
that as much as their people fear me, they do practically nothing to deter my
operations. I have never seen a more suicidal society than Nigeria. That way,
they make my job rather easy. You see Terrorism here. He has paid his dues and
still paying it. He nearly took out two prominent Nigerians last week but have
you been following their discussions? Nobody gives Terrorism the credit for
what happened and for that reason, there is no unity of purpose and they are
not looking for ways to fight him. In fact, many enjoy making unsolicited
excuses on his behalf. As far as Nigerians are concerned, all that matters now
is their so-called election coming up next year and while they are doing all
their permutations either to capture power or retain it, Terrorism is also
planning his next target...”
To that, Ebola interjected: “But I understand Nigeria will
fight Terrorism when they finally secure some foreign loan...”
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