Nigerian Catholic Church, Project Sundays, and Second Collections

(By Uzoamaka Doris Aniunoh) - I went to church today. The Catholic Church of Assumption, Umuoji. For our family thanksgiving, post funeral mass.

I came late, thankfully. All is well. Never mind the many 'second collections' that happen. At the end of mass, Father tells us about a project they are working on and how they need people to contribute. He calls on one man like that, the one who has the convincing voice. The man kneels down, Father blesses and hands him the microphone.

He prays and sings and tells us how he was speaking to Jesus before he came to mass that day. About how brethren of the church would give mightily. Amen.

He says that Jesus told him that four people will give 50k each. He begs for these three people to obey god. He sings and prays and sings some more. My father turns to me and says he is tired of this wahala. So he gives 50k, in the hopes that we'd move on. Nope.

He continues to beg the remaining three people. He tells them that they may not have the money at this time, but that it would come. They just need to pledge. He tells them that by giving this money, God would give them every single thing they ever asked of him in this life.

Me, I'm like but why are you lying now, uncle? God will give them EVERY SINGLE THING they ever asked for?

Anyways, fifty thousand naira! He chants on. Then he sings again. After about an hour, he asks the brethren to scream Jesus igwe!!! They do.

No one else gives 50k.

Then he goes down to 20k.
For another thirty minutes, he sings for this 20k. Four people, Jesus told him. He prays and tells them what Jesus promised.

No one. Jesus Igwe!!! One step down.

10k. Singing. Praying. Jesus' promise. Begging. More begging. Singing. Singing. Singing.

Finally! One person! 10k. Another thirty minutes. Father watches on. Two more people needed by Jesus to give. Promises. More singing. No one else.

Jesus Igwe!!! One step down. 5k.

5k. Singing. Praying. Praying. Begging. Singing. Promises. Chicken change. Only one person needed. Give. Be blessed. 5k. Only 5k. Singing. No one. More singing. No one still.

Story time. 

The man tells us about one man whose container was seized. He gave 5k and his container was released. Jesus is looking for people with guts. 5k. Give. Give. There is someone here that Jesus wants to lift with 5k. Let that person be you. That person is looking at me now.

Me, I'm like, everyone here is looking at you. What the hell?

Jesus Igwe!!! One step down. Two steps actually. Uncertain this time. 2k-3k. Anyone. 2k-3k. Someone. Singing. Begging. Praying. Will you sow a seed of 2k-3k? Singing. Promises. Clapping.

People are tired. People are yawning. But that end of mass blessing is important, so no one leaves. If you don't receive that end of mass blessing, you did not attend mass. People are sleeping. Hissing. Sighing.

My father turns to a woman sitting next to me and asks, is this how you people do here? Yes, says the woman. My father tells her it is wrong, horrible, unnecessary.

Me, I'm like, the Father is sitting opposite us dad. Tell him. This woman is a victim, just like us.

The man continues. 2k-3k. Two people are required to make this sacrifice. Amen. Amen. Two people.

Jesus Igwe!!! No one responds. One step down. 1k.

1k. Somebody. Anybody. 1k. 1k. Singing. Clapping. Begging. Singing. Sleeping. Signing. Hissing. Begging.

Jesus said that ten people will give 1k. Come to the alter if you're among the ten people who will receive this blessing. It is a prophesy. Come out now. Prove this prophesy right. Prove Jesus right. 1k. Wan Tawzan. Come out.

Singing. Singing. Singing. Okay 500, 200, hundred, come out. Come out.

Whatever you have, come and give now. Come out. Feet shuffling. Drunken steps. Staggers. More hisses. Sighs. Kneels.

Father prays for the reluctant givers. Sprinkles holy water on them. Holy water touches me, I wonder whether I have received the blessings too, even though I have not given.

I'm back from church now. Never again. Never ever again. Hunger. Exhaustion. Dizziness. Nausea. Is the Christian God happy now? Is Jesus satisfied.

Let me take a nap, biko.