Becoming A Pastor in Nigeria

(By Adesegun Damazio) - PASTOR.

The cheapest and most easily attainable title on the African continent. So rudimentary has it become that you only need to do so little in order to attain so much, albeit without having any valuable influence on your followers.

To become a pastor in these parts, all you need is a bible, fancy suits, studio pictures in which your appearance must have been doctored to make you look immaculate, a well-dressed or good-looking wife, consistent outdoor advertising/marketing materials (flyers, pamphlets, billboards) and most importantly, you need to be brilliant at word play, not because you intend to say anything new but because you need to say old things in more fanciful ways.

You just need to look up a verse in the bible and think of how best to exaggerate its meaning in order to appeal to your audience. And yes, as a pastor in these parts, you must preach nothing but prosperity. Anything short of that and you might lose lucrative audience. Pay attention to that word, lucrative.

Without word play, there will be no mouthwatering offertory, donations, tithes, seed-sowing and the whole nine yards. Most times, you mightn't even need a wealthy congregation, just preach prosperity and the poorest members of the audience would gullibly donate their life savings to the "house of God".

In these parts, the pastoral journey has become more theatrical and less spiritual.

Fraudsters and hypocrites!

You still don't know how they do these things?

Okay.

*********

Let's open our Bibles to the Book of Psalms, Chapter 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd..."

Brethren, the Lord's protection surpasses all forms of earthly and intergalactic conflagration. Listen to that word, "Shepherd". It carries abundant divine power, enough to demolish the enemy. Oh gawwww! I think I'm talking to myself.

"Preach it pastor! Whoaaaaa!"

*********

Get the drill?

Good.

You can call me Pastor now. Pastor Damazio!