Of COVID-19, Religion, and Conspiracy Theories

(By Farooq A. Kperogi) - Coronavirus and Exploding Conspiracy Theories of Religious Crackpots

Of COVID-19, Religion, and Conspiracy Theories

The novel coronavirus is not only devastating humankind, it is also disrupting the settled certainties and spiritual verities of religious fanatics for whom atavistic and superstitious frames of reference are the only ways to make sense of the world around them. 

I’ll start from fringe members of my own religious community. When the new coronavirus first emerged in China, a lunatic fringe of the Nigerian Muslim community celebrated it and said it was Allah’s punishment against China for mistreating its Muslim minority population.

They said the clearest indication that it was divine pestilence to avenge the persecution of Chinese Muslims could be seen in the fact that all Chinese people were compelled to cover their whole bodies in ways that were reminiscent of the sartorial choices Allah enjoined Muslims, especially Muslim women, to make, which China denies its Muslim minority.

I recall telling a religious crackpot who made this silly argument early this year that it wasn’t the first time that people had covered their bodies in response to a pandemic. The 1918 Spanish Flu, which killed nearly half a million Nigerians and more than 50 million people worldwide, caused people to wear face masks.

The Average Nigerian Christian

(By Nkechi Bianze) - The average Nigerian Christian does NOT worship God, they worship their pastors, Daddy/Mummy GO/Prophet, Bishop or Evangelist.

The average Nigerian Christian does NOT interpret the Bible on their own. They wait for their pastors and GOs to interpret it for them. For instance, if a verse of the Bible says "Eat and merry to the Glory of God" and their daddy GO tells them that it means "Bring all your money to me", then that verse means that they should bring all their wealth to daddy GO. Any other interpretation of that verse is ignorant and not inspired by the Holy Spirit. That's why different churches can have different interpretations for same verse of the Bible. It is what the pastor or GO says that the church members go with.

Even the Bible says that "My people perish for lack of knowledge." Nigerian Christians are languishing for lack of knowledge and all to the glory of their pastors and Daddy/Mummy GOs. The average Nigerian (former Christian) atheist knows more Bible than the average Nigerian Christian.

Somewhere in Nigeria, a VERY POOR Nigerian Christian is preparing to give his/her January (VERY MEAGRE) salary to his/her billionaire pastor or daddy GO. Then they will start bugging our lives and those of their relatives for money to survive and pay their kids' tuition fees.

The Rascality and Naiveté of Nigerian Christians

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - A woman, dedicated member of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, (RCCG) went out on "Morning Cry" on the streets of Abuja about 2 years ago.

She was slaughtered like a stray pig by yet unknown assailants who will forever be at large.

"Morning Cry", which if we would be sincere, should be called "Moron Cry" is that urban delinquency Pentecostal Christians and their fellow Christian renegades engage in to hawk the Christian gospel in seeming hopes of cornering new members to the fold. 

Seeming, because the rascality is borne from deep psychological issues from unresolved personality drawbacks which give birth to a stock guilt complex, ignorance and extreme judgmentalism. 

Economic poverty, a constricted socialisation and stunted formal education combine to exacerbate the aforementioned psychological problems, and what we have is the urge by the religious to "win souls for Christ" in the most crass, tasteless and rascally manners by disturbing the peace of other residents in their areas of operation.

A Worshipper, His Maligned Gods, and Hypocrisy of Christians

Dede Ege, man, and the art of gods by Immanuel James Ibe-Anyanwu

I have seen a lot of foolish gods. Grandmother once told me about one who complained that teenagers that often played around his shrine gave off smelly farts, to his eternal suffocation. Poor, lazy dude, he wouldn't move an inch. Another wiped out an entire family for the sin of a member he left unhurt! There is no category of foolishness that has not been practised by some god somewhere, even in ancient Rome and Greece.

I have seen a lot of gods--and that is because, to read Homer, Herodotus, or Plutarch, ancient purveyors of the Greek and Roman gods gist--to read them is to be an eye-witness seated cross-legged at the scene of the event. Ancient Greece probably had more gods than humans, some of them thoroughly silly--and I shall not attend to your lingering suspicion that perhaps man, often unwise, made the gods in his own image; that the foolishness of the gods can be explained in the social genetics between man and what he created--I shall not attempt such a sacrilegious thinking, gods forbid!

Africans, Traditional Religions, and Colo-mentality

(By Peter Adeosun Keyz) - Yesterday a lady greeted me "As-salamu alaykum" to which I responded "Wa'alaykumu as-salam". We both laughed about it. She's a staunch Christian, a devoted RCCG member and we've been friends for many years now. So we both knew we were just catching fun. 

Then I took the fun further and greeted her "Eríwo yà!" Instead of responding, she exclaimed "God forbid that I should respond to a greeting like that". I told her that if we could exchange pleasantries the Islamic way when she's not a Muslim, why couldn't we exchange pleasantries the Yoruba traditional way? She said she can still cope with Islam. Traditional religion is the one she can never cope with. Why? According to her, Islam is still close while traditional religion being idolatry is far away. 

I shook my head and walked away. I kept thinking about how the two of them successfully made us embrace their traditions and see our own tradition as dirt, a taboo, the forbidden.

Nigerian Christian: "You Are A Scam"

(By Temi Dayo) - My 80+ year old mother on poor advice by her doctor, took a dose of the drug, Salbutamol. A few hours later, my mother began to hallucinate. She thought it was raining heavily and that she saw a cat. She was light-headed and ranted incoherently for the most.
And this is where I will forever raise a fist in worship to my ancestor, my father, F.I. Ahanmisi, who sadly is beyond hearing, beyond earshot of all the affectionate adulations I pour on the memory he has become.

You see, my father was way above the league of others when it came to raising us. My mother, our children, my siblings... All still drink of the benefits of having a father who was too good to be a religious Nigerian. My father considered the superstition which is now transmuted into something called "Pentecostal Christianity" as beneath contempt. Even with the limitations of his environment, he yet held out and stayed above the fray of gross ignorance and general stupidity which passes for Spirituality and Religion in the society he lived in, and which he birthed his children into.

"Die by Fire": A Mentality of Nigerian Christians

(By Adesegun Damazio) - Die by fire. 

No, no one has to die by anything, not especially when death is invoked through a religion that promotes peace.

Save for a few times when I've had to attend other churches either out of compulsion or eventful engagements, I've been a Catholic all my life and owe my religious views to the teachings I've imbibed from Catholicism.

This belief, is one which triggers boredom when I come across people who pray for an unhealthily long period of time. As our faces are different, so are our needs. But on closer inspection, it's quite easy to tell that these prolonged prayers are often a repetition of litanies, with only the wordings changing. If I had my way, the Nigerian version of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal will be reformed to a point where members begin to pray more peacefully.

This belief, is one which triggers discomfort when I hear people pray death and destruction over people they consider "enemies". But then, have you ever bothered to ask why you alone might have so many enemies to start with? Could it be because you're one heck of a troublemaker yourself who can't help but offend "them" or do these "enemies" just pick on easygoing people because they can?

Mathematical Solution For Fear of Witchcraft

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) 

I have a mathematical solution to the trepidation of witchcraft propagated and promoted by religion.

So, the church across the street has a screaming pastor (like most others)…

“They say you will not get married. They say you will not have children. They say you will not buy a car. They don’t know your God.”

Every Sunday and Wednesday, it’s the same proliferation of fear and concern about a spirit world interested in stealing children, husbands and automobiles.

OK.

Let’s ignore the hundreds of birth that occur every day. Let’s also disregard over-population, and all the fucks that should not be bringing forth any form of being.

So you want a husband and children and a car; and your religion takes a large chunk of the time praying that you get them; disturbing my peace…

How about I draw up a solution so y’all can move on with your lives? Check this out:

African witchcraft doesn’t last for more than 10 years (Sometimes even less. But you are not a patient sufferer). So let’s imagine for 10 years you cannot get a husband, have kids and drive a car. But you can do other things while the devil and the old woman in the village hold down your womb.

Praise God By Using Your Damn Brain, Nigerians!

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) 

I think you all need to be angrier than you have been. I’m referring to those who have managed to lose heads over my post on religion. Your hair needs to catch fire too. Until then, I am still ranting.

I assume the kind of praise that will make God very happy could be something of these sorts:

The praise of Community Development and National Growth, which starts from the details of your lifestyle and your choices.

Praise God by ensuring your worship centres do not cause agonizing traffic. How do you reconcile road distress with a perfect God? How?

Praise God by being efficient employees at your place of work. Give more than is required. Ensure the company grows. Do not hold back your ideas for when you want to start your own business. Care greatly about where your salary comes from. If you don’t contribute to its growth, how do you justify praising a God of progress?

Praise God by NOT praising God when it is time to work. Let those hands you point to heaven come down and work. Work, damn it.

My Grouse With Religion

(By Joy Isi Bewaji)

I don’t know anything about Islam. I’m not sure I have had any conversation about the Quran. I don’t know Buddhism. African traditional religions are largely ignored. Nigerians engage traditionalists secretly, by the corner of their depravities. This transaction occurs only in whispers; and applied derogatorily in conversations.

But what I know is Christianity. I pray to the God who came down as Jesus to die on the cross. That is the religion I believe in… and that is the only religion I can authoritatively speak for or against. And I speak bigly. My mouth is big. My opinions are large. And people get so frustrated they bake cake to show their contempt. It is called influence. Thank you very much.
It is every writer’s joy to be read. But more importantly, it is every writer’s delight to cause a reaction. And as always, I have caused a massive reaction recently. It started with a Facebook rant about #HalleluyahChallenge and my thoughts about Nigeria, Religion and Under-development. And I stand with every word on my trending article – We have too many spiritual revolutions; what we need is a mental one.

Why No One Can Pray Nigeria To Greatness

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) -

#HallelujahChallenge will succeed bigly in Nigeria. That’s a given. Not a miracle.

Religion is the bedrock of our confidences and convictions.

Reinhard Bonnke succeeded in the 90s with his exaggerated revivals in Nigeria.

Adeboye succeeds every first Friday of the month, leaving travelers along Ibadan-expressway pulling out their hair (the irony of that situation: a god worshiping mission that makes people swear and curse in god’s name for hours of traffic they have to suffer just so a few can practice a religion).

Christ Embassy succeeded on Television. No ministry is yet to beat the hours dedicated to Oyakhilome’s theatrics.

Religion succeeds in Nigeria.

If I start a church today, it will succeed. Calling or no calling.

Nigerian Christians and Unmeritted Favors

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - We say this everyday...but we are not pastors. 

One small time "woke" pastor (not Adeyemi, of course) has used half my rants as sermon in his church. I get the feedback.

You pipu will give them tithes... but you will come and be talking shit on social media about my audacities. 

Apparently, I need to first wield "spiritual influence" in a third world society obsessed with religion before I can form any sensible words from my mouth.

Keep waiting for a man of god to tell you simple A-B-C about life. You'll find an entire family waiting on a pastor to show them the way to living averagely. 

The shame.

The fact that you don't know these things is, by itself, a disgrace. 

Please keep your kids at home tomorrow, Sunday, and get them to READ instead. 

With our profound spirituality, our country is dying for lack of knowledge still. And your religion is a big problem and accomplice to the sham/mess Nigeria has become.

For The Nigeria Christian, Jesus Is An Alibi

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - In my society, Jesus is an alibi. All the family lowlife has to do is "embrace Christ" and he gets to usurp the social order.

Know this criminal dude who in a space of 3 months of slipping through the lax Nigerian judicial cracks on charges of rape, became a pastor. Says he "got the call".

He's shopping for money to set up his church. I literarily spat in his hand when he asked for a contribution.

He brags about becoming the chief cornerstone in his late polygamous father's compound.

Don't shake your heads yet. This rank Pentecostal tragedy is replicated in a million and one Nigerian homes.

Christ is the emerging crutch of all ne'er do wells in this country. 

Their Muslim counterparts are busy "kewu-ing" or growing a raggedy lice infested thatch on their chins in readiness for the . mental assault they will unleash on society as "Alfa's" and "Muslim scholars".

The Nigerian Christian Abuse the Holy Ghose Fire

(By Adesegun Damazio)

There's somethin about us Nigerian Christians that you can't help but ponder.
We represent a rare breed of hypocritical piety, spiritual respite and most of all, stellar reliance on God. Some have been conditioned to believe that everything good and bad could only have been from God. You hear stories of blood, corruption, violence, kidnapping, wars and still hear some Christians tell you it's the "will of God".

My goodness!

Yes! God asked some people to sell off millions of tonnes of dates (dabino) given to Nigeria by the Saudi Arabian government for the purpose of feeding the IDPs, God triggered armed robbers to shoot down the Zenith Bank branch in Owerri, God motivates ISIS and Boko Haram, it's God's will that you marry a man that beats and squeezes life out of you like tie and dye material.

Yes! God this and God that.

Sometimes, I just wonder what God thinks of us Nigerian Christians, especially when we beseech Him for the silliest and most unintelligent requests.

Meningitis: When A People Chooses Ignorance

(By Nk'iru. Njoku) - So the governor of Zamfara allegedly made the boo-boo of stating that the recent outbreak of Meningitis in Zamfara area was an act of God - a punishment for sin. 

The Nigerian arm of the internet has been thrown into an angry frenzy. Everybody is casting stones at this governor and I'm shaking my head. I mean, I do get the uproar. 

But is this not the same country where every goddamn thing has a religious angle even when it has zilch to do with your God(s) and everything to do with your simple refusal to apply COMMON SENSE? 

When you people hold prayer sessions in your offices before you start work for the day, what do you think you are doing? 

I'll tell you. 

You're saying 'I might be a professional, but my job is not really mine to do. If I fuck up, it's how God wants it to happen, after all I've prayed'.

When a person has a disability that has no cure but can only be managed, and you 'block your head' with the fancy words of your pastor and you then tell said person with disability to get a miracle from your pastor, you tell them you're sure they don't have faith and that's why they haven't been healed, what do you think you are doing? 

When you as a technician are doing a technical job and you are asked what your timelines are and you say 'by God's grace we will finish on so and so day', what do you think you are doing?

The Stupidity of Nigerian Archetypal Christian

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Dear Future, 

My mother is 83. She prefers to still go out to run her SME trade, even though we'd rather she stayed home. 

Sometimes she'd walk a distance at least to stretch her legs and keep her heart invigorated and healthy.

My mother is strong, physically and mentally. She is much loved by her 11 children; by her neighbours and extended family. She enjoys immense respect too in our neighbourhood.

We would rather she be cooped up at home or only go out within the tight confines of a chauffeured car because she has committed the grievous crime of growing old as a human naturally should in the most abominably deplorable society on earth today.

Nigerian Christians Suffer From Amnesia

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Nigerians play too much.

You defended the sheer insensitivity and idiocy of people claiming that a man who survived the Chapecoense plane crash did so because he was reading a Bible.

Reasonable people saw it for what it was. Tactlessness and possible lack of good breeding.

You insisted they were glorifying God.

Now right in the house of said God, with more open Bibles than one can begin to count. More believers than on an aircraft, another tragedy.

Of course the rational query should be:

Does holding or reading a Bible only work for plane crashes and not building crashes?

You suddenly suffer from amnesia. You no longer remember how Jehovah killed one of the Beatles for disparaging Jesus, per your claim. You no longer remember how your God purportedly visits people with disasters for looking at his children cross-eyed.

You now run around doing your God's work. In your usual fashion.

Now the usual yodelers are going about with that tired "these atheists are at it again".

You are all full of your usual mischief and shit. That's all you religious nitwits are about. Lying propaganda. Filibuster and crap.

Suddenly anyone who wonders at the irony of people going to church to pray for protection against death, and then getting killed, is now an atheist.

Look we cannot run away from the truth. Prayer is at best an emotional palliative. There is no proof it does anything besides make the one who prays feel calmer, more settled from the feeling of surrender.

I Don't Get Nigerian Christians

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Once I made an update about an untoward event in my life when I was a child.

I was a Christian child who went to church, prayed hard and wanted to save the world for Christ.

For years I went about confused and angry as to why God didn't save me from abuse as he saved the Israelites just to prove his name.

It took me a while and forays into different vistas of inquiry and knowledge to understand that there was no God to hold responsible.

Humans messed me up. If anyone should pay, these humans should. There is no God to redress any wrong. It behoves on us humans to seek justice and to administer good for our own good.

I stopped holding God responsible and let God go.

My inbox was chock full of protestations against my peace and equanimity.

I don't get Christians. I don't get religious people as a whole. I will never ever get Nigerian Christians even if I live for the next 500 years.

They want me to hold God responsible, even though they say God is not responsible.

It seemed the only point of departure for them was that I was the wrong mouth to say it.