Of Rape Stories and Social Media

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - RAPE STORIES: Three things… 

What happens when victims of rape share stories on social media?

1)

These stories excite rapists. No rapist ever “repented” by reason of a victim’s confession. A victim’s story, with details of the event, stirs the rot inside a rapist. It’s a thrill. It’s a moment to relive what he has done (to another woman, not necessarily the writer).

It achieves very little on that account.

Rapists do not change. It is why the only place they belong is in prison. If you watch C&I, you’ll realize many rapists return to jail after their first sentence. They spend 14 years in jail, are released… and in less than 7 months, they are back in jail for another, say, 21 years. They are repeat offenders, even with rehabilitation. Especially those disgusting things called Paedophiles

In Nigeria, there is no structure for professional counseling and rehabilitation, except for religious homes and their keepers who brag about curing HIV and removing the demon of Rape from offenders. Our situation is quite dire.

Nigeria and the Sin of Poverty

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - The only sin you commit in Nigeria is poverty.  

If this 70 year old woman was having consensual sex with a younger adult male in her three-bedroom apartment in ParkView estate, Ikoyi...

The hand of culture, religion or any idiotic rule made for homo-habilis will not be able to pass through tight security at the gates... how much more knock on her door and drag her out of her right to be pleasured.

Living amongst poverty and its attendant cousins allow for intrusion. When you are poor, your life is not yours. It belongs to the people who pray for you to find food. These people control your life and everything that happens to the holes in your body - what you eat (when you eventually find food made possible by their prayers), and what is inserted in your vagina.

The sin of poverty is the only crime in Nigeria. 

This is why Crime, placed side-by-side an unintelligent, unenlightened, ill-equipped Police force, seems to be an unending unquenchable and achievable alternative for many. What they are really fighting for is dignity. 

Parents Teach Your Daughters Dignity

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) 

Parents, teach your daughters dignity.

From wives fighting side-chicks to desperate young women dragging the hem of one bloke, to women giving up dreams and ambitions just to be with just about any man, to women dying in marriages; this sad and filthy objective of becoming a leech under the façade of culture; having children without income. This nonsense of a man telling a grown ass woman, sometimes highly educated, not to have a job, has to stop! The idea that a woman can sit and make no money under the pretext of motherhood and marriage is frightening to even consider, especially in a society where alimony is a pipe that holds no water.

We are still promoting the position of a housewife as an honourable thing. How can that be when all you have is determined by the disposition of another human – a man? How can being a housewife and NOT making money be a good thing when you can lose everything the minute a husband finds you less attractive, old, fat? How?

A man and his brother killed his wife because he had to be with another woman. Women are treated as disposable items because women will not stop being dependent on men and the silly patriarchal ideals of dependency/entitlement wrapped around religion, culture and society.

Mathematical Solution For Fear of Witchcraft

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) 

I have a mathematical solution to the trepidation of witchcraft propagated and promoted by religion.

So, the church across the street has a screaming pastor (like most others)…

“They say you will not get married. They say you will not have children. They say you will not buy a car. They don’t know your God.”

Every Sunday and Wednesday, it’s the same proliferation of fear and concern about a spirit world interested in stealing children, husbands and automobiles.

OK.

Let’s ignore the hundreds of birth that occur every day. Let’s also disregard over-population, and all the fucks that should not be bringing forth any form of being.

So you want a husband and children and a car; and your religion takes a large chunk of the time praying that you get them; disturbing my peace…

How about I draw up a solution so y’all can move on with your lives? Check this out:

African witchcraft doesn’t last for more than 10 years (Sometimes even less. But you are not a patient sufferer). So let’s imagine for 10 years you cannot get a husband, have kids and drive a car. But you can do other things while the devil and the old woman in the village hold down your womb.

Praise God By Using Your Damn Brain, Nigerians!

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) 

I think you all need to be angrier than you have been. I’m referring to those who have managed to lose heads over my post on religion. Your hair needs to catch fire too. Until then, I am still ranting.

I assume the kind of praise that will make God very happy could be something of these sorts:

The praise of Community Development and National Growth, which starts from the details of your lifestyle and your choices.

Praise God by ensuring your worship centres do not cause agonizing traffic. How do you reconcile road distress with a perfect God? How?

Praise God by being efficient employees at your place of work. Give more than is required. Ensure the company grows. Do not hold back your ideas for when you want to start your own business. Care greatly about where your salary comes from. If you don’t contribute to its growth, how do you justify praising a God of progress?

Praise God by NOT praising God when it is time to work. Let those hands you point to heaven come down and work. Work, damn it.

My Grouse With Religion

(By Joy Isi Bewaji)

I don’t know anything about Islam. I’m not sure I have had any conversation about the Quran. I don’t know Buddhism. African traditional religions are largely ignored. Nigerians engage traditionalists secretly, by the corner of their depravities. This transaction occurs only in whispers; and applied derogatorily in conversations.

But what I know is Christianity. I pray to the God who came down as Jesus to die on the cross. That is the religion I believe in… and that is the only religion I can authoritatively speak for or against. And I speak bigly. My mouth is big. My opinions are large. And people get so frustrated they bake cake to show their contempt. It is called influence. Thank you very much.
It is every writer’s joy to be read. But more importantly, it is every writer’s delight to cause a reaction. And as always, I have caused a massive reaction recently. It started with a Facebook rant about #HalleluyahChallenge and my thoughts about Nigeria, Religion and Under-development. And I stand with every word on my trending article – We have too many spiritual revolutions; what we need is a mental one.

If I Didn't Have Kids...

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - If I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t keep a job. 

I would travel the world, have a lover in every city I visit, stay for a year, maybe two… then move to another destination. I’ll make trifling sums enough to buy my food, pay for the space I occupy and keep an uninterrupted Clarins tradition. I’ll read many books. I will write many screenplays. I will criticize everything from religion to politics to the receptionist at my favourite hotel, which would be somewhere in Paris. I will eat good food. Flirt shamelessly and make magic from conversations. I will spend carelessly on all my little pleasures.

I realize I have no deep desire to be wealthy; I have only been pushed into the habit of money-making because children have to live well. I find that denying children of things leave me extremely tortured. I begin to break out in sweat. I am tormented by a child’s lack.

Why No One Can Pray Nigeria To Greatness

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) -

#HallelujahChallenge will succeed bigly in Nigeria. That’s a given. Not a miracle.

Religion is the bedrock of our confidences and convictions.

Reinhard Bonnke succeeded in the 90s with his exaggerated revivals in Nigeria.

Adeboye succeeds every first Friday of the month, leaving travelers along Ibadan-expressway pulling out their hair (the irony of that situation: a god worshiping mission that makes people swear and curse in god’s name for hours of traffic they have to suffer just so a few can practice a religion).

Christ Embassy succeeded on Television. No ministry is yet to beat the hours dedicated to Oyakhilome’s theatrics.

Religion succeeds in Nigeria.

If I start a church today, it will succeed. Calling or no calling.

Nigerian Christians and Unmeritted Favors

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - We say this everyday...but we are not pastors. 

One small time "woke" pastor (not Adeyemi, of course) has used half my rants as sermon in his church. I get the feedback.

You pipu will give them tithes... but you will come and be talking shit on social media about my audacities. 

Apparently, I need to first wield "spiritual influence" in a third world society obsessed with religion before I can form any sensible words from my mouth.

Keep waiting for a man of god to tell you simple A-B-C about life. You'll find an entire family waiting on a pastor to show them the way to living averagely. 

The shame.

The fact that you don't know these things is, by itself, a disgrace. 

Please keep your kids at home tomorrow, Sunday, and get them to READ instead. 

With our profound spirituality, our country is dying for lack of knowledge still. And your religion is a big problem and accomplice to the sham/mess Nigeria has become.

Nollywood Romantic Movie Monochrome

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - Nollywood Romantic movie... 

Man: Hey beautiful lady, why are you out here by 8pm? Where can I drop you?

Lady: I'm going to Mafoluku, sir. 

Man: Eish! That's far from my area. But hop in let me give you a ride.

Lady: Thank you, sir. God bless you (slightly bends her knees three times)

She enters. He drives off. 

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Lady: I'm looking for work, sir. You see, my mother is sick, sir. No money to train my younger brother, sir ('folds the edges of her dress continuously)

Man: Come to my office tomorrow. I think I can get you a good job at my company.

Lady: Your company?

Man: As the CEO of "Yakata and Bros", I can get you sorted. 

Of Nigerian Stars and Celebrity Gossip

(By Joy Isi-Bewaji) - In Nigeria, a celebrity will give birth to quadruplets, hide them in a sac, marry a second time, kill her neighbour's dog, buy a house in Miami, sleep with Drake, enrol at a strippers club, amputate her left leg, suffer a heart attack, go clubbing on a yatch, have a street fight with her best friend, steal her best friend's third husband, have his baby and poison his tea with arsenic...

No blog or "gossip website" will know a thing...until the celebrity, by herself, posts it on social media. 

We do not have exclusives. There are no paparazzi waiting at Genevieve Nnaji's gate to tell who she's dating.

If Genevieve doesn't take a half nude picture with a man in bed and post on Instagram OR her friends have the mouths of worn baskets... then no blogger gets to know jack about her life.

It is why I find it ridiculous when Naija celebrities rant about privacy.

You can have all the privacy you want in this country. Nobody is snooping. I have met many A+ celebrities at malls, and people just walk by. Maybe a smile from a few shoppers, but mostly serious boning and prouding from Nigerians. 

Thank God for selfie sticks, now they ask for a selfie.

But nobody... not ONE photographer will bother taking pictures of his life or her activities.

We Need To Pay Attention To Boys

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - Ibadan boy is on a date with a girl. Girl tells...

Ibadan boy is on a date with a girl. Girl tells Ibadan boy, after date, (that) she isn't interested in a relationship. Ibadan boy heads to twitter to call her hungry ass bitch for chopping his money yet turning down his love advances.

Girl smiles. Calculates his expenses. N3,800. Transfers N5,000 to his Wema account. 

"Keep the change, bruh" she says. N1,200 for transport.

Dude is on twitter re-tweeting every single tweet on this matter. Responding to every single tweet on this matter. 

Girl tweets proof of payment and says nothing afterwards.

Dude has a Snapchat flower halo on his profile picture. Girl is on a date with her girlfriend on hers, looking quite the chic.

A boy with no discretion. Zero sophistication or logic. Unable to discern sarcasm hurled at him on twitter. Baking his humiliation under the vehemence and excitement of Twitter Nigeria.

"It Is Your Fault Women"

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) - I remember K-solo's wife.

Beaten blue black and defrauded by husband, producer/musician K-solo.

She got the whole internet on her side.

Two weeks later, she's on Channels- with her abuser; his hand around her...

"Oh! It was all a joke," she says, "we were just fooling around. Akshually, we were trying our hands on acting. We want to see if we can build careers in Nollywood."

She dismissed the abuse. And we all moved on

One week later, K-solo parades another woman as the woman he will be spending the rest of his life with...

Whilst first wife is pregnant.

First wife tries again to hawk same sympathy on these cyber streets... we directed her to a tree, and advised her to fuck it.

Of Women and Career Preferences

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) – This meme is everywhere sha.

I have a problem with it, because it addresses absolutely nothing...

Just a vague idea of what a woman should do or be before greatness can be determined.

What is greatness anyway? How do we determine another woman's greatness?

This mission to drag all women into a boardroom has become ridiculous. Does she want to be in a boardroom?

We have moved from dragging women into kitchens, now that seems old-fashioned. The new trend is to create the desire to be room-ed away from the typical rooms suggested by society for women.

Why should it be ok for me to like boardroom activities, but not ok for the next women to like kitchen room activities without judgements?

We should not be tempted to design badges of greatness for women based on our own ideas of what greatness is.

Beyond the conventional utterances of Buhari... there is something great in being a housewife, working within the important rooms of kitchen, living room and the other room.

At the least, children are fed when a kitchen is put to good use.

The Problem With Nigerian Christianity Today

(By Joy Isi Bewaji)--What really upsets me most about Christianity is its cowardice. This spineless manipulative religion!

A 14 year old girl has been forced into marriage (forced, because she is a minor and cannot make decisions of her own. She is a child!)… where is Christianity when you need it!

What did Christianity do when it heard the news? It made a "friendly" call to the paedophile and his community and before the wink of an eye, Christianity had its tail between its legs, surrendered to arguments on consent… and has left everything to God.

A languid and lifeless faith.

It’s shameful.

How can you live in a time like this without a fight in you?

Christianity is so selfish, it’s sickening.

The only time its voice appears valiant is when it needs to extort money from you- tithe and offering and building projects and pastor’s appreciation shenanigan.

Voices: Nigerian Women and Nollywood Films

Bewaji

(Joy Isi Bewaji)--Trying to survive a long flight, I got adventurous and clicked on a Nollywood movie.

Emirate flights from Dubai to New York have Nollywood movies, yes. There was the popular Fifty- the movie, and others on my list.

Fifty is not a movie you watch a second time. That is not an insult, there are many things we will not do a second time. It takes overpowering genius to make movies that people want to appreciate more than once.

It is why we have movies like The Godfather or The Sound of Music or Titanic.

PS: I do not want to see a Kevin Hart movie, not even once. Comedy has to be about wit, not people acting stupid. So if I am not laughing when you keep a straight face and act/tell a joke, then I'm not going to even patronize funny gestures with a smile.

PSS: I will watch those Falz's skits more than once.