Of Nigerians and the Lunacy of Money Rituals

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Meanwhile we still do NOT have the tiniest shred of evidence to suggest that money rituals work.

Not one.

Every suspected money ritualist has a thriving business which they pursue.
The question is Why? What's the point of striving at a trade when said ritualist could just as well order money to pour from anywhere, and crisp notes would litter the place?

I think I'm moving far ahead of myself on this. In the first place, the said ritualist or the native doctors even needing to subjugate their supposed powers to currency bills is the first fail.

Why can't the ritualist be powerful enough to just get all his needs delivered willingly to his doorstep? 
Bankers would bring cash. Car dealers would drop cars and skip away. Food sellers would drop food items..

Why need money? Why "mint" money?

Rationalism trumps this base superstition at any time, but the politics of religious people in need of validation of their myths and faith would not let reason have sway and take the day over ignorance, fear and Incredulity. It is imperative to the religious to have a phantom devil so intractably powerful that they would fight tooth and nail to maintain the contrivance of an omnipotent Evil, capable of the most insane feats.

The Rascality and Naiveté of Nigerian Christians

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - A woman, dedicated member of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, (RCCG) went out on "Morning Cry" on the streets of Abuja about 2 years ago.

She was slaughtered like a stray pig by yet unknown assailants who will forever be at large.

"Morning Cry", which if we would be sincere, should be called "Moron Cry" is that urban delinquency Pentecostal Christians and their fellow Christian renegades engage in to hawk the Christian gospel in seeming hopes of cornering new members to the fold. 

Seeming, because the rascality is borne from deep psychological issues from unresolved personality drawbacks which give birth to a stock guilt complex, ignorance and extreme judgmentalism. 

Economic poverty, a constricted socialisation and stunted formal education combine to exacerbate the aforementioned psychological problems, and what we have is the urge by the religious to "win souls for Christ" in the most crass, tasteless and rascally manners by disturbing the peace of other residents in their areas of operation.

Of Creative Writing & Nigerian Secondary Schools

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - So at one of my client schools where I teach Creative Writing, this English teacher throws a mild tantrum. Doesn't see the need for my support work and always tries to belittle me.

The kids needed the intervention the proprietor had asked for as I can see. Grade 11 pupils constantly writing "Am" in place of "I am/I'm", much like their parents, uncles and aunts on WhatsApp and Facebook.

Grade level 12 pupils who can't manage to string two complete five-word sentences at a stretch. 

Grade 10 pupils who don't know the place of a full stop in a sentence. These pupils would reel off the definitions of parts of speech at your asking, but would argue that the word "She" is the adverb in "She is walking slowly", and that "walking" is either an adjective or a metaphor. Has to be.

This churlish teacher queried my "incursion" into Grammar, Comprehension and Vocabulary. I was there to "just teach ordinary Creative Writing", the experienced teacher of "12 years teaching experienced" would grumble. 

Nigerian Christian: "You Are A Scam"

(By Temi Dayo) - My 80+ year old mother on poor advice by her doctor, took a dose of the drug, Salbutamol. A few hours later, my mother began to hallucinate. She thought it was raining heavily and that she saw a cat. She was light-headed and ranted incoherently for the most.
And this is where I will forever raise a fist in worship to my ancestor, my father, F.I. Ahanmisi, who sadly is beyond hearing, beyond earshot of all the affectionate adulations I pour on the memory he has become.

You see, my father was way above the league of others when it came to raising us. My mother, our children, my siblings... All still drink of the benefits of having a father who was too good to be a religious Nigerian. My father considered the superstition which is now transmuted into something called "Pentecostal Christianity" as beneath contempt. Even with the limitations of his environment, he yet held out and stayed above the fray of gross ignorance and general stupidity which passes for Spirituality and Religion in the society he lived in, and which he birthed his children into.

On Marriage and Feminism

(By Temi Dayo) - On Marriage and Feminism: 

You cannot be married to a Nigeriàn and be an honest feminist. Truth is, to be married under any customary provisos in Nigeria, and perhaps in nearly all of Africa, is to become an enabler of Patriarchy by default.

It starts from the point where one party (by custom) waits for the other to propose, and the other by same custom expects to propose. Then it progresses to the observance of native traditional norms - bride price, dowry payment, and perhaps religious matrimonial rites which of course are the supreme establishments and reiteration of profound symbolisms of Misogyny.

Next would come the rituals of living and all observance of the quotidian. Who cements the ultimate identity of the offspring of the marriage? From whom do they derive their last name - the name which differentiates one Susan, that John and this Amarachi from all others of same name?

There you have it. The Nigeriàn feminist, whether male or female can not cross out all of the above boxes of official acquiescence to Patriarchy.

For The Nigeria Christian, Jesus Is An Alibi

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - In my society, Jesus is an alibi. All the family lowlife has to do is "embrace Christ" and he gets to usurp the social order.

Know this criminal dude who in a space of 3 months of slipping through the lax Nigerian judicial cracks on charges of rape, became a pastor. Says he "got the call".

He's shopping for money to set up his church. I literarily spat in his hand when he asked for a contribution.

He brags about becoming the chief cornerstone in his late polygamous father's compound.

Don't shake your heads yet. This rank Pentecostal tragedy is replicated in a million and one Nigerian homes.

Christ is the emerging crutch of all ne'er do wells in this country. 

Their Muslim counterparts are busy "kewu-ing" or growing a raggedy lice infested thatch on their chins in readiness for the . mental assault they will unleash on society as "Alfa's" and "Muslim scholars".

The Stupidity of Nigerian Archetypal Christian

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Dear Future, 

My mother is 83. She prefers to still go out to run her SME trade, even though we'd rather she stayed home. 

Sometimes she'd walk a distance at least to stretch her legs and keep her heart invigorated and healthy.

My mother is strong, physically and mentally. She is much loved by her 11 children; by her neighbours and extended family. She enjoys immense respect too in our neighbourhood.

We would rather she be cooped up at home or only go out within the tight confines of a chauffeured car because she has committed the grievous crime of growing old as a human naturally should in the most abominably deplorable society on earth today.

Nigerian Patriarchy, American Patriarchy

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - 

America (read: The US) is a patriarchy.

Nigeria is a patriarchy.

America strongly discourages polygamy, domestic violence, spousal rape and other acts which denigrate the self-worth of the female person.

Beyond a sociological aversion for all these, America creates and maintains institutional agencies to push her cultural preferences, so that even though she remains a patriarchy, the birth of a female child is not as tantamount to a mild tragedy which must be endured and borne stoically at best, as most in Nigeria have been forced over time to see it as in our enclave.

America is a patriarchy.

Nigeria is a patriarchy.

The American legal system won't let anyone on their soil withdraw their underaged daughter and go marry her off to a man because she is a girl.

In patriarchal America.

No cultural paradigm can be foolproof as they are results and by-processes of conscious evolution of a developing species.

Nigerian Christians Suffer From Amnesia

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Nigerians play too much.

You defended the sheer insensitivity and idiocy of people claiming that a man who survived the Chapecoense plane crash did so because he was reading a Bible.

Reasonable people saw it for what it was. Tactlessness and possible lack of good breeding.

You insisted they were glorifying God.

Now right in the house of said God, with more open Bibles than one can begin to count. More believers than on an aircraft, another tragedy.

Of course the rational query should be:

Does holding or reading a Bible only work for plane crashes and not building crashes?

You suddenly suffer from amnesia. You no longer remember how Jehovah killed one of the Beatles for disparaging Jesus, per your claim. You no longer remember how your God purportedly visits people with disasters for looking at his children cross-eyed.

You now run around doing your God's work. In your usual fashion.

Now the usual yodelers are going about with that tired "these atheists are at it again".

You are all full of your usual mischief and shit. That's all you religious nitwits are about. Lying propaganda. Filibuster and crap.

Suddenly anyone who wonders at the irony of people going to church to pray for protection against death, and then getting killed, is now an atheist.

Look we cannot run away from the truth. Prayer is at best an emotional palliative. There is no proof it does anything besides make the one who prays feel calmer, more settled from the feeling of surrender.

I Don't Get Nigerian Christians

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - Once I made an update about an untoward event in my life when I was a child.

I was a Christian child who went to church, prayed hard and wanted to save the world for Christ.

For years I went about confused and angry as to why God didn't save me from abuse as he saved the Israelites just to prove his name.

It took me a while and forays into different vistas of inquiry and knowledge to understand that there was no God to hold responsible.

Humans messed me up. If anyone should pay, these humans should. There is no God to redress any wrong. It behoves on us humans to seek justice and to administer good for our own good.

I stopped holding God responsible and let God go.

My inbox was chock full of protestations against my peace and equanimity.

I don't get Christians. I don't get religious people as a whole. I will never ever get Nigerian Christians even if I live for the next 500 years.

They want me to hold God responsible, even though they say God is not responsible.

It seemed the only point of departure for them was that I was the wrong mouth to say it.

Patriarchy, Misogyny, and Gender Relations

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi)--It's interesting though seeing die hard misogynists coming out from the woodworks...literarily. Like the craven worms they truly are.

The oodles of comic outrage about the president's "other room" gaffe just makes me want to chuckle and choke someone dead in amusement.

I mean..like...really?

"My wife belongs in my heart, my life, my office..."

"I am a mother, a wife, a career woman. I don't belong in the..."

Aaaah spare me!

Nobody fucking cares. Go suck a lemon...

Nigeria and the "Facebook Feminist"

(Temidayo Ahanmisi)--You are all being manipulated, but you are either too clueless or too pompous to realise this.

This is why you lend your energy to being agents in turn of the grand delusion.

It is social media. It doesn't take a genius to control the minds of anyone in this matrix. The subjects lend themselves for use and control.

Once you realise this, everything falls into place and you see your own silliness for what it is.

So I saw one of those "submission matters" post by a dear friend this morning, and gave in to the urge to say this much, because this friend largely "gets it" when it comes to the matter of Feminism vis a vis Matrimony.

This much I submitted:

Feminism and Submission are contrived battles on the social media. Those who argue on either side are caught in a spiral of delusion and manipulation of their reasoning as well as the thoughts of the other.

Nigeria, The Arts, And The Critic

(Temidayo Ahanmisi)--A significant number of us would agree that the Arts are altogether not serving Nigeria beyond momentary entertainment.

If we only knew a bit of history we would be appalled and indignant at how much our artists have taken from us in terms of human development and social evolution. This aside the money.

Many Nigerians, by the unfortunate virtue of not having grown up in a critical culture as most now in their late 30s and beyond did, are hampered in understanding that art is a veritable tool for cultural disruption and the motivation of the critical aspects of the zeitgeist culture necessary to force social change for sociocultural emancipation in any society.

When you grow up watching art imitate the worst of life, you think art should serve only one function - to validate mutual perfidies, and to pay homage to brigandage while the artist dances for his supper.

This is partly why a lot of Nigerians tend to become hostile at the whiff of criticism especially of an artist they prefer. It's a kind of indulgent patronage bestowed on a favourite pet.

If your fare is Nollywood movies like Azonto babes, Blackberry babes, (Nigerian) Spider Girl, you would of course bristle when you hear such atrocities being dissected for the immoral socioeconomic criminality they honestly are.

To the average Nigerian, you cannot criticise or critique a movie unless:

Numbing Religion in Nigeria's Public Schools

(Temidayo Ahanmisi)--I used to worry constantly that Religion was destroying Nigerian schools.

I wondered how as a society we could promote Rationalism and scientific methods of inquiry when we teach children from the outset that a being called Satan could make them forget what they have read in an examination hall.

I actually heard a woman say this of her son who failed his common entrance exams.

I have a multi-religion background. I didn't want too much religion for my own kids.

Scratch that. I'd rather my kids jettison Religion in totality.

The problem however was that I saw religion being taught right from the schools. I don't know how IRK is presented these days, but the pentecostals are doing mayhem in their usual fashion in the christian realm. A lot of schools are introducing texts to children which makes CRK a more practical design.

It is no longer bland story telling. They now actively proselytize children and ask them to ''save souls for Christ''.

The irritations of the pentecostal pulpits from sunday services are creeping into schools.

The Nigerian Christian Mocks Their God

Ahanmisi

(Temidayo Ahanmisi)--Auntie the only problem wey we get for Nigeria be say, we are too bogus.

Na only for Nigeria person go build one small ‘’tachere’’ kiosk, e go call am group of stores. Short time hotel wey no reach 10 room sef, dem go say na group of hotels…

See, I go Ghana. Me and my friend go one shopping complex like dat. The person wey we go see say their vice president go come deliver lecture for one hall there very soon. I tell my friend say ‘’guy abeg make we cut out from here quick quick, before police and army go block everywhere. We get plenty things wey we want do that day.

Everybody jus’ dey laugh me for there. Dem say weda I think say dis na Naija?’’

My young friend Chima went to tell me that the VP came to the area while they were still there, delivered a one-hour lecture, and left. His motorcade was just 2 cars.

I told Chima that he had saved my life, but that he would never know just how.

About 3 months after that encounter with Chima, I had completely liquidated my supermarket business which wasn’t going anywhere and was costing me more money to run than I was making from it. I sold off the few assets left and never looked back. I got immense pleasure from pulling down the ‘’x x x x Plaza’’ signage in front of the building.

I have gone on to do other things since then to save myself in several other areas of my life. From relationships with people, to my marriage, my home, my other businesses.