The Nigerian Christian Mocks Their God

Ahanmisi

(Temidayo Ahanmisi)--Auntie the only problem wey we get for Nigeria be say, we are too bogus.

Na only for Nigeria person go build one small ‘’tachere’’ kiosk, e go call am group of stores. Short time hotel wey no reach 10 room sef, dem go say na group of hotels…

See, I go Ghana. Me and my friend go one shopping complex like dat. The person wey we go see say their vice president go come deliver lecture for one hall there very soon. I tell my friend say ‘’guy abeg make we cut out from here quick quick, before police and army go block everywhere. We get plenty things wey we want do that day.

Everybody jus’ dey laugh me for there. Dem say weda I think say dis na Naija?’’

My young friend Chima went to tell me that the VP came to the area while they were still there, delivered a one-hour lecture, and left. His motorcade was just 2 cars.

I told Chima that he had saved my life, but that he would never know just how.

About 3 months after that encounter with Chima, I had completely liquidated my supermarket business which wasn’t going anywhere and was costing me more money to run than I was making from it. I sold off the few assets left and never looked back. I got immense pleasure from pulling down the ‘’x x x x Plaza’’ signage in front of the building.

I have gone on to do other things since then to save myself in several other areas of my life. From relationships with people, to my marriage, my home, my other businesses.

People around me look at me these days and wonder at my sense of peace and detachment from ongoing chaos. They don’t get it. I am not poor. I am not rich. I am just abundant. I live in immense abundance. This is not some self-consolation, nor is it a cop-out to embrace indolence and complacency. I still hustle hard. I just know to detach from human idiocy and exhale.

I have embraced Reason.

This is why I don’t do religion, spirituality and all that jazz as I used to. I have grown from encountering that young man in that taxi about 6 years ago to being the person who always asks ‘’Show me the money’’ about everything from inanimate objects like clothing to Philosophy, Culture and God.

‘’Money’’ is not as most know it, in my books.

I am a materialist. I believe in the tangible. I believe in the thing that we can touch, taste and see as evidence of necessity.

If I have a religion, it is Common-sense Pragmatism. It is Responsibility.

Why am I saying all this?

No. It’s not for some ego stroking silliness. I am not even near useful enough to even begin to think of excellent or good or perfect. I don’t think myself better than anyone. I am my own God. I am my own Devil. I take myself to task more than anyone could ever know.

I keep failing and making mistakes, but I trust in my ‘’Ori’’ too much to entertain any fear about my future or my destination.

It is my dedication to Reason that makes me shake my head at a country of the million tertiary graduates who would take to the Social Media to solicit prayers for a young woman who was involved in a ghastly automobile accident. I am sorry, but we Nigerians are totally beyond the help of decency.

The Nigerian Christian is the worst of our lot. They make more mockery of their God, their Bible and themselves as adult persons with brains in their heads than any unbeliever ever could even if they lived 1000 times over. The Stupidity Index of most Nigerian Christians is off the charts. I say this without care as to whose ox is gored. You people are a disgrace to the children unborn.

First Peace Mass Transit is one of those notorious motor transport companies ubiquitous to Nigeria. I can’t count how many times a PMT bus has passed on the road and I have heard folks express angst about one bad attribute about their drivers or their service culture.

From Bob Izua, to God Is Good, to Big Joe, to Chisco, to Ifesinachi….to every single transportation company in Nigeria, it is the same culture of Stupidity as Moral imperative that we see in operation in this country.

We just seem to live on blind hope, it seems.

That PMT bus that the deceased young woman rode in…a motorpark evangelist joined them for a distance to preach all sorts of inane, repetitious twaddle. He ended this with a prayer, calling for new converts to declare themselves born again. Then of course he asked for money ‘’to support his growing ministry in the work of God’’. Nothing is too small. God bless you.

I don’t have to be there to know these things.

He assured them that they will arrive safely at their destinations. He had the power to. Nigerian pastors have powers even said Jehovah they serve would envy.

Nigerian graduates sat in that bus, as Nigerian graduates sit in millions of these commercial buses and cars every hour of every day in every week to entertain these fraudsters called pastors. They nod and mouth encouraging ‘’yes lords’’ to the same boring, lifeless preachments they have heard from their pastors in church, their spouses, their neighbours, their colleagues, their friends, their enemies….everyone…all day, all week, all year. These meaningless phrases that say nothing, do nothing, mean NOTHING.

This is their Religion.

Talk. Talk. Talk. Yak. Yak. Yak. Every damn day.

NO ONE stopped to wonder at the mental health of the driver. No one would EVER think to push for some policy that would compel road transport company CEOs to print out verified quarterly HSE and QA reports of their operations and paste these on notice boards accessible to every potential customer to see and read – from psychiatric evaluation results from duly certified, reputable psychiatrists (names and signatures included) on their drivers; behavioural adjustment workshop attendance by ALL members of their staff (CEO inclusive) under supervision of reputable behavioural therapists at least every 6 months; comprehensive road worthiness tests on their vehicles every 3 months. Little big things like these.

These vehicles have no over speed alarms. You pray.

The drivers are usually heavy drinkers with attitude problems. You pray.

Alcohol, especially spirits are freely sold in these motor parks. Drivers of these commercial vehicles openly stroll into these joints to imbibe right before they get behind the wheels. You pray.

These drivers are known to get into quarrels with their passengers right in the course of the journeys either over ‘’egunje’’ on extra load, or any sundry issue. They take out their anger on the accelerator. You see this. Everyone sees this. No one thinks to make a report on such a driver’s apparent insanity, in case their employer even cares at all. You pray.

The tyres seem wobbly and threadbare. The vehicle is overloaded. There is a loud abnormal noise from the wheels. The brakes have to be pumped before they engage. The driver clearly over speeds. The vehicle is overloaded. The driver overtakes recklessly. The roads are in terrible shape because your government is a disgrace. You see these things. Your mobile evangelist sees these things. You join hands with him to pray and ‘’decree and declare’’ things beyond your powers because you are all a disgrace.

And then an accident happens. Sometimes accidents happen even though you are very careful and have seen to your own end of things. Accidents happen because auto mechanisms fail; other road users are a disgrace to life itself; nature throws a curve…anything. Accidents happen.

People are injured. Some die.

Death is natural and ordinary occurrence. Sad, yes. Natural and inevitable for the most all the same.

Ordinary death occurs naturally as should when the human cells are subjected to trauma beyond the limits of their capability to endure.

This is where humanity is usually divided into Nigerians vs. Humans.

Go to the Social Media and see this in action. Mayhem. Pure mayhem.

‘’Please pray for this young woman. Declare that she shall not die. Death is not her portion. Command her to rise in the name of Jesus!’’

‘’If you believe she will not die, type ‘’Amen’’ and share. Your ‘’amen’’ means a lot. Don’t just scroll without saying something.’’

‘’Father in the name of Jesus, you said in your word that…’’

‘’Joy, I command you to stand up right now. My bible tells me in the book of yada yada that yudu yudu shall be, and shokolokobangoshe shall do…!’’

Idiots.

How do you guys even do it? How do you just go on like you are sane? How? She died.

She died because death happens.

Sorry about your ego. You’ll be fine.

What will never be fine though are those offensive pictures of those unfortunate human beings you prayer warrior clowns posted all over the internet, showing the agonising end of those people whose only crime was to board a vehicle in Nigeria to take them from A to B.

This country is a disgrace. You Nigerians are a disgrace.

This is why I spit on you and your religions. This is why I spit on your spiritual higi haga.

Your prayers have never stopped fuel and food prices from going sky-high. Your prayers don’t solve fuel scarcity. Your prayers don’t fix bad roads. Your prayers don’t feed the hungry. Your prayers don’t stop Boko Haram. Your prayers didn’t prevent or halt Ebola. Your prayers don’t cure malaria. Your prayers have never stopped ASUU strikes. Your prayers didn’t help the doomed Aluu 4. Your prayers didn’t help the Sosoliso victims. Your prayers have not fixed the 2nd Niger Bridge. Your prayers didn’t help me when I most needed them. Your prayers can’t cure stomach ache. Your prayers have never straightened out a bandy knee nor repaired sightless eyes.

A pastor came to cavort in my family house to ‘’decree and declare’’ that my ailing 84 year old father would not die, but would live and live to see more of his grandkids. My father died 3 months later. That charlatan is still maintaining a church. Perhaps there are even those in my family who still patronise him. I don’t know. I don’t care.

My personal joy is that REASON found me, took me in hand, shook me, slammed me against the wall of Adversity, crushed every bone in my know-it-some body, dunked me into cold water and slapped me upside the head, continued to ignore my egoistic cries of outrage against Her, and continued to pound me until I surrendered.

I am grateful. I feel wretched, but I am grateful to the Cosmic in some sense all the same that I always encounter the Chimas of the Universe whenever I think to slide into the abyss of Nigerian spirituality and Christianity.

Those who pray for the Joys on facebook and Instagram. I leave them to their madness. As for me, I go with God. This is why I am emigrating in a few.

If it matters to you the few redeemable Nigerians though, I ask that we throw out those smelly motorpark evangelists from our buses and take the drivers, the vehicles, the transport companies and our government in hand. I ask that we take ourselves in hand, and begin to demand more of ourselves than this nonsense we so readily accept as normal.

Save this society before a generation rises in future to curse us for this nonsense.

This IS within our power to do.