The Two Shall Become One Flesh (Part 2)

The Carters

This journey called marriage does not just happen; it is a process, it grows.  It has to be worked at; it has to be nurtured. Some elements are therefore necessary to keeping this journey on course.  To start with, as I said above, marriage is a journey of the heart.  It is a journey embarked on with the heart.  The heart is so vital an organ and yet so fragile that minor irritations pose serious danger to it.  Something as insignificant as a grain of sand bruises the heart and causes it to bleed. The same is true of marriage.  Issues that are thought “insignificant” and are left unaddressed bruise and hurt marriages. It is stating the obvious that the two people on such a journey should have certain things in common.  They should not only love each other, but should also be friends, friends who understand or strive to understand each other.

But in addition to such core attributes as love, friendship, and understanding, marriages should also rest on equally important values like fidelity, respect, and tolerance.  Fidelity is the call to sexual faithfulness to one's spouse.  To him/her alone does your body belong, whole and entire.  Remember, “for this reason a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two become one flesh.”  To cheat on your spouse is to cheat on and injure your own flesh.  There are some men and women who find it very difficult to even imagine their spouse cheating on them, but then they wantonly cheat on that same spouse, with no regard for the sacredness of their marriage vows.  You must actually hate your own flesh to cheat on your spouse.  But according to St. Paul, “no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:29).

Like fidelity, respect is also an important aspect of the marriage journey.  It is important that couples respect each other and have due regards for each other’s feelings, wishes, and views. But oftentimes, this value is misconstrued as something mono-directional.   It is true that St. Paul admonishes wives to be subordinate to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-25).  As a result many men have misread this to be a carte blanche to not only disrespect their wives, but also to mistreat and subject them to unspeakable dehumanizing treatments.  What an erroneous understanding.  Yes, St. Paul asks women to be subordinate to their husbands, but that is after he has first asked both husbands and wives to be subordinate to each other out of reverence for Christ (verse 21). 

It is a two-way traffic, a mutuality that places the burden of responsibility on both parties.  Besides, St. Paul urges husbands to love their wives, “even as Christ loved his church and handed himself over for her” (verse 25).  Those who misread this passage feign ignorance of this call to sacrifice on the part of the husband.  I doubt if any man who truly understands this passage will raise a finger on the wife.  Even the women who take advantage of their husband’s gentleness to launch violent physical attacks on the man, not because they can overpower their husbands but because the man has decided not to be a wife-beater, also miss the point. Such treatments and behaviors do not portray married love.  Again, “husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one hates his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it” (Ephesians 5:28-29). Wives too are called to the same self-love.

Added to fidelity and respect is tolerance, the ability or willingness to endure your spouse’s weaknesses and imperfections.  Although Christ calls us to be perfect just as our heavenly father is perfect (Matthew 5:48), we know that this is a call to continually strive for this end.  No one is perfect.  If married couples understand this, it will go a long way to making their journey a lot smoother.  With tolerance comes patience and forgiveness.  Tolerance enables you to deal patiently with your spouse’s weaknesses, knowing that you too are beset by weakness (cf. Hebrews 5:2).  It is only one who understands that they too are not perfect, that they too are weak, is able to forgive their spouse, not seven times, but seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:22).

The Ekeindes

Over and above all, the journey of marriage is a journey made in and with God.  If God is not present in any marriage, if he is not the constant factor at every turn in this journey, a whole lot of things will be amiss.  Key to having God always present in your marriage is to pray.  Pray, pray, and pray.  That is what Christ our Lord taught us.  In times of joy, pray in gratitude, in thanksgiving.  In times of tears, pray for consolation and healing.  In times of need, pray for blessings and mercy.  Above all, pray for God’s will in your marriage, that you may discern and follow it, with the help of his grace.

In some quarters the debate rages on: who is the head of the family?  But I think that is missing the point.  Yes, the man is the head.  But the head sits on the neck, the woman, which gives her a pivotal role too.  The neck enables the head to rotate, to operate.  Is it for nothing that we say that behind every successful man there is a woman? The neck should be flexible, able to bend and to sway.  But it has a limit.  Any forceful push or pull beyond this limit introduces strain and causes it to snap, thereby doing damage to both the neck and the head.  The pain is often severe.  What is important is to understand that they are no longer two but one flesh, and that this oneness thrives on mutual respect, fidelity, and tolerance; it thrives on understanding, friendship, and love.  Most importantly, it thrives in God.  May God bless your marriage with joy and peace; and may your marriage cause you to flourish and find fulfillment in life, as children of God who is life and love.

Always. Remain blessed and keep smiling.

First published in Yes! International Magazine: Faith & Family with Fr. Chijioke, SJ. March 2012