The Two Shall Become One Flesh (Part 1)

The Obamas

A certain old man had a habit of always asking his wife of many years, “Do you love me, dear?”  And as often as he asked, his darling wife would respond, “Yes, I do, dear.” Once, an inquisitive grandchild queried the old man, “Why do you always ask Grandma if she loves you?” The old man answered, “to stay connected, dear child.  Of course, I know she loves me; but I have to ask nonetheless.  Any day she responds, ‘no,’ I know that whatever the cause of her dissatisfaction, it has not gone beyond twenty-four hours.  And as such it can still be fixed right away. Our recollections of it are still fresh.  So we can address it immediately.  It hurts to let such an issue go unaddressed for more hurts build on it and then much later it becomes a lot more difficult to actually identify the initial cause.”  What wisdom!  Andre Maurois keeps it short and sweet, “a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.”

I have always admired the enduring grace of many marriages.  Those marriages that are said to be made in heaven.  Yes, I say grace because it takes much more than human efforts to keep such marriages lasting forever, for better for worse, till death do they part.   At the same time I also agonize over those marriages that don’t last, those marriages that seem to be riddled with tears and pains, the ones that, so to say, are built on shaky, sandy foundations and as such exist on the brink of collapse.  These might be marriages that are built on erroneous ideals, on deceits, or as the case may be marriages between good intentioned couples, but then, something went irretrievably wrong along the line. As we say (a la, Phil Collins’s 1990 hit single), something happened on the way to heaven.  I guess one is never really certain of the end from the outset.  But then, those who embark on this journey (yes, for that’s what marriage is, a journey; a journey of the heart—ije obi, I call it) with openness, patience, respect, tolerance, faithfulness, and of course prayer, make their destination, even amidst tears and pains, but, more often than not, with joy, smiles, and consolation.

As I boarded a Nairobi flight at the Murtala Muhammed International Airport, Lagos, in March of 2012, I noticed an “unusual” couple, cuddling and kissing each other every now and then as they walked the departure lounge, with the man carrying the wife’s handbag.  I concluded they were married because I could see their wedding ring.  Note my choice of word: “unusual,” because in this clime where the expression of affection is usually a behind-the-door affair, something not so often expressed publicly, such sights are rare.  Someone even quipped, albeit faintly, “yeye man, see am dey carry woman bag in the name of love.”  See what I mean?  One man’s meat is, indeed, another man’s pomo. 

Given the couple’s age, in their early thirties, maybe, and how they seemed not to get enough of each other, I thought theirs must have been a new marriage.  Actually their wedding bands still sparkled. I remembered someone once told me that Nigerian men don’t dote on their women unless there’s an element of newness present.  Strange, how the human mind works.  Why such recollection at that point, I had no idea.  Anyway, back to my friend.  He said for instance, that when a Nigerian man opens the door of a car for a women, it is either the car is a new one or the woman is a new catch.  But who says love and marriage must be new to be celebrated?

The warmth and joy I saw the couple radiate caused my lips to dance with smiles and got me thinking about marriage, about the blessings, the graces, and the joys of marriage; and obviously about the tears, the pains, and the challenges of marriage too.  But my thoughts were more on the positive end. I recalled a somewhat similar but slightly different encounter few years ago.  In 2010, a particular mission got me breathlessly crisscrossing the entire United States in just three months.   In one of my many darts across the US airspace, I struggled with fatigue as I moved from San Jose, California, through Portland, Oregon, to Houston, Texas on my way to New Orleans, Louisiana.  I was jolted from my half-slumber by the thunderous cheering of my co-passengers.  The air hostess had announced that we had a newly wed in the plane and invited us to congratulate the lucky couple.  Then the cheering became even louder when the hostess added that the man in question was ninety-two years old, and the woman, eighty-seven. 

Now, that’s amazing.  I don’t know why they were getting married at that age. Had they been separated from each other for long due to some factors beyond their control?  Were they each previously married to a different person?   Questions abound.  But their marriage says something about the essential bond and companionship between two people that marriage represents. Even if they each had little longer to live on earth, they needed to live it in companionship with each other.  And that is truly amazing coming from a society where, in many quarters, marriage has been under a severe barrage of assaults.

The Azuhs

I have heard many a married couple sincerely admit that marriage is a beautiful thing. Marriage, that union of man and woman initiated and ordained by God at creation was so enthralling for Adam, that when he beheld his wife, Eve, he uttered the first poem in the bible: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of man she has been taken” (Genesis 2:23). The passage goes on in verse twenty-four to say, “that is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two become one flesh.”  Little wonder the wise one in Proverbs 18:22 acclaims that he who finds a wife finds blessings, an eternal favor from God.  What of she who finds a husband?  Same thing, no ni.

Marriage is such a fundamental element of life that Jesus Christ, constituting it as a sacrament (a reality that communicates grace), bid that it be lifelong.  Responding to the question of divorce posed to him by the Pharisees in the Gospel of Matthew, he cites the Genesis passage above and then concludes, “therefore, what God has joined together, let no man [or woman] put asunder” (Matthew 19:6).  Great minds through the ages, including those who had difficulties in their own marriages, have all extolled the good of marriage.  Socrates, that enigmatic, classical Greek philosopher, is reputed to have urged his contemporaries, “by all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.”  In his epic poem, Paradise Lost, the 17th century English poet and scholar, John Milton enjoins us to “hail wedded love, mysterious law, true source of human offspring.” For the Canadian writer and playwright, Betty Jane Wylie, “marriage is to family what legs are to a table.  It is the agreement to let a family happen.”

To be continued…

First published in Yes! International Magazine: Faith & Family with Fr. Chijioke, SJ. March, 2012.