Mathematical Solution For Fear of Witchcraft

(By Joy Isi Bewaji) 

I have a mathematical solution to the trepidation of witchcraft propagated and promoted by religion.

So, the church across the street has a screaming pastor (like most others)…

“They say you will not get married. They say you will not have children. They say you will not buy a car. They don’t know your God.”

Every Sunday and Wednesday, it’s the same proliferation of fear and concern about a spirit world interested in stealing children, husbands and automobiles.

OK.

Let’s ignore the hundreds of birth that occur every day. Let’s also disregard over-population, and all the fucks that should not be bringing forth any form of being.

So you want a husband and children and a car; and your religion takes a large chunk of the time praying that you get them; disturbing my peace…

How about I draw up a solution so y’all can move on with your lives? Check this out:

African witchcraft doesn’t last for more than 10 years (Sometimes even less. But you are not a patient sufferer). So let’s imagine for 10 years you cannot get a husband, have kids and drive a car. But you can do other things while the devil and the old woman in the village hold down your womb.

Here are a few things to keep you busy for a decade:

You can graduate from school and get a job. In 5 years, with thorough dedication and zero distraction (thank God no man will talk to you because, well, you are cursed), you can rise to managerial position and get an official car or a badass salary raise (see, car problem solved).

Since African witchcraft is obsessed with your marital status, leave that one fess and go learn a skill. Learn how to code. Go start your own Andela and have Zuckerberg on first dial. 

Go learn how to bake and open one of the finest Baker’s Shop in town. Learn jewellery making. Enrol in a photography class. Learn anything and open a business. In 10 years, before the expiration of the “curse” on your life, you’d be bloody rich. How about that?

Or go take as many professional courses that will keep you occupied for years. You’d amass enough knowledge to turn you into a cynic, you wouldn’t even desire the things you once prayed for. Your needs would be so different from what it was when you were crawling in your religious home begging for one broda or sistah to fancy you. 

African witchcraft has zero ambition beyond the borders of third-world diseases and superstition, so you’ll be safe when out of Africa. How about traveling the world and meeting new people in different continents, finding life and cataloguing memorable experiences for 10 years; then you can come back to this scum after the expiration of the African curse to marry your ordinary mate? Cool.

My point is, in 10 years waiting for a curse to be lifted naturally, you could achieve so much!

So tell your pastor to stop screaming every other day about fixing the marital and maternal “curses” in your life. 

Go and become an astronaut, I bet you African witches haven’t heard that word before. They can’t curse what they don’t know.

All they care about is your womb, oya take the womb nah. Hold it for me, I’ll be back in 10 years to give birth to Jesus. But for now, I will be off to Europe to see if I can start an African restaurant or fall in love with a white man and live on the edge or go bungee jumping.

I’ll be back to have a bundle of regular kids after making $10 million and owning three houses in New York, Indiana and Abu Dhabi.

African curse + 10 years + pursuing other goals away from marital obsession + commonsense = A full breathing living successful being.

How about that?

Think!

Or you can call all that prayer points bullshit and go and live your authentic life without obsessing over one witch planning to steal your joy. It’s humdrum anyway, it’s not like you built the longest bridge in Japan or have any plans to be anything phenomenal. Abi? Toh!

Relax and stop shouting over the same need. Even if your god is deaf, it’s not polite.