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| Bewaji |
(Joy Isi Bewaji)--Trying to survive a long flight, I got adventurous and
clicked on a Nollywood movie.
Emirate flights from Dubai to New York have Nollywood
movies, yes. There was the popular Fifty- the movie, and others on my list.
Fifty is not a movie you watch a second time. That is
not an insult, there are many things we will not do a second time. It takes
overpowering genius to make movies that people want to appreciate more than
once.
It is why we have movies like The Godfather or The Sound
of Music or Titanic.
PS: I do not want to see a Kevin Hart movie, not even
once. Comedy has to be about wit, not people acting stupid. So if I am not
laughing when you keep a straight face and act/tell a joke, then I'm not going
to even patronize funny gestures with a smile.
PSS: I will watch those Falz's skits more than once.
So anyways, back to my long flight on Emirates, Indians
were all around me watching Indian movies. I decided to be patriotic.
So I clicked on the African movie section, dutifully
searching for any Afolayan's movie.
PSSS: I will watch Figurine more than once.
PSSSS: I have watched Phone Swap twice.
No Afolayan movie on the list.
But there was this movie that I could tell was an
attempt at chicklit romance (think The Wedding Planner)...
Title: When Love Happens (with confident ellipses to
usher in its mediocrity).
A young upwardly mobile events planner wants to get
married...starts a vlog...goes on a string of bad dates...falls back and hits
her head with her heels when she hooks up with an Ex who hadn't changed from
his bad ways...
Marriage was already on the table from day one.
Schooling abroad and dyeing his beard grey (this is OC Ukeje, by the way) is
supposed to be a cure for philandering, I presume. But bobo, after taking baby
girl to Dubai for a surprise weekend treat, had her chewing on a bigger
surprise when he was caught with a size 14 chick about to ride him on his bed.
Ok.
Heartbreak opens her eyes to see that her best friend
(this is Gideon Okeke, by the way) is her one true love.
The end.
For chicklit cliches there's the working of an original
intention which differentiates a Sleepless in Seattle from Notting Hill.
It's the same boy-meets-girl scenario they all work at,
it's the decency to work up intentions that we respect. Take us through a
journey. Build on it. But in this Nigerian flick there were no clear
intentions. Love was just bumping on everybody on its way to nowhere.
It ended with a resounding conclusion: baby girl only
said yes to best friend because baby girl is desperate to get married and can't
seem to carry on with life without ticking that box.
This is not good for romance, it is not even good for
our health. That women, whether through bland movies or conversations, are
choosing to stay miserable because of a lack of willingness of another
individual to carry them in their heart is a tired story...
And when it is offered so blandly without any twist and
turn, its akin to drinking expired milk.
You cannot move from finding your potential husband
cheating to falling in love with your best friend with the kind of swiftness
controlled by NEPA to "take light" when half-naked children are yet
to conclude their "Up Nepa" chorus.
Love at a heartbeat is hard to sell if you are not Kate
Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio.
I can forgive the cocktail of accents- a breed of
Australian-American-British-Ghanaian-Lekki mixology...
But I can't forgive putting a group of upwardly mobile (almost
pretty) young acts together without building up chemistry when required, or
excitement.
And that moment when Oreka Godis was trying to work up a
teary face...
I farted out of boredom and exhaustion.
Me, I want to watch Nigerian movies that align with the
realities of our present lives...
We love our men. But we ain't giving up one day of
happiness if we are not hooked.
If we happen to be single we are fine.
Like T.I would say...
"If you don't come I ain't gonna die."
Please where are the movies for the growing number of
women like us? We represent a reality Nigerian filmmakers are yet to recognise
as they tell the "Nigerian woman story" from the perspective of a
despairing lot seeking salvation from committed penises.
But if at all you want to stick with this tired idea
that women are begging to be wifed by any man willing to lift his legs up from
bed in the morning as a gesture of industry... then please tell that story with
a lot of sheen and shimmer. Wow me with some gloss so I don't worry about commonsense.
Fifty did that nah!
Carry the patina of grief-without-a-man properly, let us
wipe our noses and wish you out of your misery for as long as the movie lasts,
then we hiss it out when the credits start to roll.
PSSSS: It's 5pm here. I'm
heading to Macy's to shop like a woman in love with herself.
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