Marriages, Parents & Their Religious Obsession

(Chioma Nnani)--How Can You Love Your Religion More Than Your Child?

Wedding ceremonies have a tendency to be stressful.

Oh-so-many decisions to be made.

Cake. Five-tier or a single cake? Vanilla or red devil? Butter icing or whatever else there is?

Food. Mediterranean or Chinese? Sit-down or buffet?

Wedding gown. Designer or high street? Blinding white or pale pink?

Guest list. Does ‘small’ mean 200 or 1200? Does my father’s distant cousin have to attend?

Seating arrangements to cater to warring family members.

Breathing exercises … and remembering that killing family members is still classed as a crime.

Venue. Beach front or church?

How much of the groom’s wishes to ignore (all he has to do is fork out cash on demand and show up on the day, right?)

Budget. Yes, you want a Siberian tiger, but your bank account is looking more like house-cat that purrs. If you want more excitement, hope that an alley-cat screeches in.

Like I said before – stressful!

But there are some other things that many intending couples come against. The power of religion to destroy perfectly happy relationships, which could potentially become great marriages.

If you’re a (practising?) Protestant, whose beau happens to be Catholic or Anglican (or vice versa), expect fireworks. You’ll get all that unequally yoked brouhaha.

I was told about this young man who fell in love with and decided to marry a young woman. His mother goes, “Sorry, that’s not happening.”

He asks, “Why? What did she do to offend you?”

Mama goes, “Nothing. Her character is not a problem. She’s respectful and she loves you. But she’s Catholic; if you marry her, I’ll die.” No joke.

Dude gets tired of trying to reason with his mum, and says, “OK. Let me know what kind of funeral you’d like. We can even go pay for your coffin, right now; they might give us a discount, early bird and all that. You’ve decided to die, I can’t stop you.”

Mama is horrified and goes, “Ah!!! So, you’re in the occult! And they’ve asked you to bring/donate your mother. Tell them that you have failed. My Jesus will not allow me, die!”

The above sounds like a Nollywood drama, but it’s really not. It did happen. It does happen. It continues to happen. In this woman’s case, she was the president of some Anglican women’s group. They had decided that their children would not marry people who weren’t Anglicans (I mean, where they got off making those decisions for their adult children, I have no idea). Any woman who was not able to control the marital decisions of her children in such a way, would be fined/suspended/whatever. In mama’s role as president, she had enforced this ridiculous law. Only to be faced with a situation where her stubborn son was about to marry a non-Anglican! That thing called Karma, eh?

Lots of children (including adults) have been destroyed by their parents’ obsession with religion. How can your child mean so little to you, that you would put a religion before their happiness and well-being?

When I was researching for The Triple-R Series, I was told about a woman who was a deaconess in her church. Very devout, very preachy, very you-need-to-do-this-or-else. Then, her teenage daughter fell pregnant. Mother wasn’t that concerned about whether the pregnancy was a result of sexual abuse, rebellion, or experimentation-gone-wrong. Her concern was about how her daughter had disappointed ‘god’ … and about her precious reputation as a church deaconess. The heartbroken 15year-old had an abortion. Abortion is (at the time of writing this) illegal in Nigeria. It was going to be legalised, because it does happen – but a lot of church women came out and denounced it. Which I find rather ridiculous, for practical reasons. Abortion does happen (I was actually informed by a social worker that the highest incidences are among married women in Nigeria; gosh, such hypocrisy!). But as with every illegal act, regulation is a problem. With the result that nobody is held accountable, when problems occur – which they do, as a matter of course.

So, this young girl had an abortion. No doctor in their right mind, will touch a 15year-old without parental consent, anyway. Meaning she went to a quack, who botched the procedure. The girl died. When I heard it, I was like, “OK, at least the mother can eat her precious church position, now. And she doesn’t have to deal with the shame of a daughter who isn’t ‘godly’ enough.”

Some Christian parents have disowned their children for getting pregnant out of wedlock. And what I’ve asked some of them, is – were you a virgin, when you got married? So, you basically did the same thing as they did (having sex before marriage), but did not get caught (you didn’t get pregnant)?

Some others go as far disowning and abusing their teenage and adult children, who live differently from they do – for instance, who are homosexual. I don’t pretend to be an expert on sexuality; I admit I don’t understand it. I just know that you are what you are. For instance, I am drawn to guys with gorgeous eyes; it’s not something I plan, it’s just what it is. Now, I’ll probably get some people throwing up Bible verses regarding homosexuality in my face, in a bid to ‘educate’ me – but will disowning your child, make them heterosexual? Because you think you’re spiritual, for basing your terrible decision on some heavily edited book? Are you really happy, not being in contact with your own child, that you’ve birthed and raised? How can a religion that’s meant to be about love, be your excuse for treating your own child, so hatefully?

It’s one thing to love someone, even if you don’t agree with their choices – and treat them respectfully, despite your disagreement. But how can you love your religion, more than your child?

All Rights Reserved, Chioma Nnani