Of Creative Writing & Nigerian Secondary Schools

(By Temidayo Ahanmisi) - So at one of my client schools where I teach Creative Writing, this English teacher throws a mild tantrum. Doesn't see the need for my support work and always tries to belittle me.

The kids needed the intervention the proprietor had asked for as I can see. Grade 11 pupils constantly writing "Am" in place of "I am/I'm", much like their parents, uncles and aunts on WhatsApp and Facebook.

Grade level 12 pupils who can't manage to string two complete five-word sentences at a stretch. 

Grade 10 pupils who don't know the place of a full stop in a sentence. These pupils would reel off the definitions of parts of speech at your asking, but would argue that the word "She" is the adverb in "She is walking slowly", and that "walking" is either an adjective or a metaphor. Has to be.

This churlish teacher queried my "incursion" into Grammar, Comprehension and Vocabulary. I was there to "just teach ordinary Creative Writing", the experienced teacher of "12 years teaching experienced" would grumble. 

This person always managed to make Creative Writing sound like something between a pejorative and an offensive joke. The fact that I do not have a degree in English, and worse in Education to boot is especially grating .

An English teacher with glaring grammatical impediments. An English teacher who curls up a lip at Creative Writing. These things you can't make up.

I dig in my heels. I am tenacious like that when you try to make me feel stupid. I need to save this school. These children. My time here is running out, but my kid would have to deal with these ones. This is her generation. I do this for her. For me.

I call the proprietor and other top level staff who constitute an ad-hoc management board of sorts; ask them to give me leave to prepare Mock SSCE questions for the Grade 12 (SS 3) students. 
It is an awkward situation. The adversarial English teacher had always handled Mock Exams. The children had​ always "done well" right from their "Junior WAEC". They ace "Experienced Teacher's" tests. They would, I surmise, on seeing their question papers. 

"What is a noun?" This to SS 3 students. In 2017.

I pick up a particular script and note the name. 

"A noun is a doing word", student had answered.

Fair enough.

Only student had actually written "a none is a doin word".  
Teacher with 12 years experienced​ had quickly supplied the "g", in "doing" but missed the misspelt "noun". Worse, the tragedy such represented. The word "noun" had been right there in the question. 

Before my own tests start, I ask this particular student to make a sentence. Orally.
Student does. 

"John is a boy."

Fair enough. Kindergarten grade question. Kindergarten grade answer. Served me right. Ouch.

"Now use the noun in that sentence to form another sentence which tells something more about the boy."

Student looks askance.

44 students in all. Ages range from 15 to 17. Grade 12. Only 5 of them get B's in my test. 8 get C's. The rest litter the result sheet with enough D's, Es and Fs to make an intricate design on canvas. 6 of them pen really good essays. 10 others write passable essays. The rest couldn't be bothered. At least two students squiggle and draw monkey faces and hearts pierced with Cupid's arrow on their papers to kill time.
One student pleads with the "examiner" as she "din undstnd d ques".

Management is just as nonplussed. Perhaps my questions were too difficult? My standards too high?

I expected this. I have seen at least one of the teachers roll their eyes while I would speak. I have heard that some think I might be snooty. 

I show them the source of my questions. From Theory to Objectives - Grammar, Comprehension, Summary, Essay.

Five years running in a row of past WAEC question papers in English Language. No single question came from my head. I copied them from past questions. Every last one.

Essay sections are actually Creative Writing. No more, no less. The same "Creative Writing" a 12-year experienced English teacher had sneered at as unnecessary, and "Once upon a time...Story, story" (actual quote) at best.

I concede that my standards are "too high", but only in relation to the status quo. I notice one of the management staff actually blink back tears when I go further to show them that ALL my "high standard" questions had been lifted from Grade level 9 (JSS 3) "Junior WAEC" question papers. Every damn question.

Anyway, I need to stop boring you all. Most of you count it all pride when you deliberately miss information for your pedantic word count faffing.
This is what you have taught your children and your younger ones. I am not afraid to sound this condescending because I know none of you wilful dyslexics could have managed to reach here. I'm actually gossipping about your lazy asses, Mr. & Mrs. "Dis post is 2 long. Who will translate 4 me? lol."

"Who English epp?" you guffaw. The next generation has picked the gauntlet of arrogant pointlessness from you. Well done.

I don't know who English has ever 'epped. I do know who it didn't 'epp. 

12-years experienced English teacher. Got the boot.
There is something called poor tutoring. Then there is something called criminality.

After a few dotting of I's and crossing of T's, I return to this client with a wider latitude to achieve my mandate there.

I don't bother to ask just how the ex-students here passed WAEC exams. I know how to mind my business.

I will teach Creative Writing how I damn well please. And God help us all, we are learning the heck all outta English Grammar. 
5 new words a week. Constant Spelling Bee mode. By Jove we will kick that insolence and academic apathy out the door. We will learn just how someone was audacious enough to say to their generation:

""For the words that i speak unto you, they are Spirit and they are Life."

We will together learn how to heal, to destroy and to make alive. With words. We will change this world with the fire of our words. On paper.

"This is not just Creative Writing. This is us doing Life.
If Life can't 'epp you, then hop over to the graveyard. Die. 

Let Death 'epp you.

If you are one of 'em parents who have taught your children to die by being irresponsible enough to fork over tens and hundreds of thousands in Naira to school proprietors, and yet you fill these children with life-stunting attitudes expressed as "who school epp"; "who (insert subject) epp"?, pray for your sake that your children encounter me.

They will give you the answer to your life long question.

They will not be too respectful of course when they answer, because they would have come to know that you might not have been fit to be parents, but then look on the bright side:

You would have at least known by then who whatever I do with them today 'epped.

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Please note:

A noun is a name of a person, AN ANIMAL, place or thing.😁🚶